A Day to Let Go of Stress.

Dear Arizona,

It’s been a cloudy afternoon and I’m sipping at coffee. Cosima took this picture of me a few weekends ago, on a night before the group went on a snow adventure to a crowded acoustic show on the east side. I don’t think it looks too much like me, because my face just looks so passive or apathetic or something. Really, it was just that I was about to take a sip and, generally, when a camera is aimed at me I make a very strange face, but I didn’t that time for some reason. So. I guess this is thirst mixed with a natural moment. It was a great night, none-the-less.

Anyway, This morning I woke up at nine and worked out for an hour with Coco. (Oh, mid-note: I realize I switch back and forth from Cosima to Coco. She is the same girl.) It was exceptional and gave me good time to myself to let go of negative little atoms bumping around in my body as well as time to think about my right nows. My “right nows” being the things in my life right now. Not past, not future, because those are things that I realized I spend way too much time on. I am living in this moment. I need to focus on who I am today. (Everybody Want to Be a Cat just came on my itunes shuffle. I’m not going to lie- it puts me in a barefoot dancing mood.)
Some of my current right now thoughts include focusing on achieving the statuses that I want to. “What chances aren’t you taking, Emily?” And then that got me thinking, “You moved to WASHINGTON and made a huge decision that could have been a giant expensive mistake and…” blah blah blah. Just other things that I feel like I’ve accomplished and other risky things I’ve put myself through. You know. And then I was with Sydney and we saw that Coco had put this picture up on facebook and we discussed it (and some of the others) for a bit. And it was like, “Hey, that doesn’t even really look like me!” and when I got back to my room I looked at it again and thought, “But hey wait, does it? Is that me to everyone else?” which led to a question I ask myself quite frequently:
”What do I look like through other people’s eyes?”

And. I don’t just mean physically. I mean. Who am I to you? Or you or you or them? And not in a way of self-conscious worry or oh-no-how-do-they-think-of-me, but just a curious human wonder. Who am I, Emily Horton, to the rest of the world that is not Emily Horton. Because, for instance, when I look at that picture I think “Washington”. I don’t think “Arizona”. I think naked face, hot coffee, friendship bracelet I got from Caleb for my birthday. I think, “I wore that knitted sweater for Christmas in 2010,” and “I lost my black hat that night outside of Sydney’s car” and “Coco takes fantastic pictures”. I think, “I was sitting in Traditions with my girls and we had a great night”. And I’m just starting to realize that maybe this seems like a giant tangent, but it all comes around. I promise. Maybe I should just make the connection now? Yeah, alright.

See, part of my right nows include other people, you know? Relationships are a big part of my life, and I’m not just talking about ~~intimate relationships. I mean my human to human connections. And today I worked out and I was running on the treadmill and feeling like, all I can do is know who I am through my eyes (or try to) and know how they are through my eyes (or… try to). I can take my chances and not be afraid to, because it either works or it doesn’t. But no one is going to notice the simple things in the picture unless I show them. (That was a metaphor…?) The lamp in the background, the little touch of Syd’s elbow, the way you can’t see my nose-rings. How the mug and my sweater match in their top fold-overs. hah.

A while ago I asked the universe to give me a sign involving something that’s been jumping around my brain for a few months. The universe did, but left it open-ended as to not give me a prediction, but instead a push to choose my way. So. I’m choosing my way and when the future answers and I meet, well, maybe I’ll tell you about it, Arizona. Maybe not. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But, hey, half the fun, right? In conclusion: my window is open, The Good Life came on shuffle, and tonight is 5 Rhythms. I’m proud to say that in this moment I can take a deep breath and feel good about my right now. I hope you can too, AZ.

xox. Emily.

PS. I’ll have to blog extensively about 5 Rhythms later. It’s truly a beautiful and uplifting experience for me. Not to mention some rockin’ fun. Here’s a picture from last week’s after the dancing:

Photo taken by Teddy Anderson.