Dear Arizona,
I’m sitting in a field at the side of the forest, where small patches of dandelions and tall, wild grass grow. The sun is warm on my back and I feel like this spring day is the beginning of my life. Lately, I’ve realized that I want to travel and live a bit more minimally. I want to get dirty and swim in different, new bodies of water. I want to eat healthier and organic and fresh. I want to live care-free and without too many superficial or material restrictions. (How many times I didn’t go swimming because I didn’t want my straightened hair to get curly in Arizona? I couldn’t even tell you. I think back to that I feel so blessed to not feel that way anymore.)
The cost of school and living worries me constantly. In fact, it plagues me. I wish I had the ability to learn and study without fearing that I’m not educationally level with the dollars I’m constantly adding up. It also worries me that my idea of a job isn’t “practical”; that I might get stuck in a job that I hate so that I can just, finally, support myself (live in a house, buy my own food, pay my student loans, pay for my own computer protection or face wash, for Christ's sake! –sorry god-). I’m so thankful that this is only my first year, because I’m definitely not ready to have it all figured out yet. And while I sit on this very thin sheet and the occasional ant crawls near my bare feet I day-dream about every day being this beautiful and full of possibility. Because, right now, I can sit here and do my homework or update my blog. Right now I can take a nap in the grass and the worst fear I have is the bee with its threatening buzz. Right now I could pack up my notebook and my laptop, I could put my shoes back on, and I could take a walk in the woods. I could write a song or I could take the next bus downtown or run after the fluttering, white butterfly that just flew by.
I mean, granted, I don’t want the rest of my life to be so simple. I want to play music and make art and continue to learn, every day. I wan to make a very serious, difficult career out of art and music. I’d like to one day be in a serious relationship and have a real, “grown up” life, but I don’t want my grown-up, adult life to get boring and I don’t want to forget about living. Does the fact that I want to be an artist and I want to remember how beautiful things really are make me immature in my aspirations? Am I just in denial about the future and the fact that I’ll have to settle and make sacrifices if I want to be financially stable? Currently I’m in a frenzy about finding a job and making money so that I can get a house in August and so that I can begin to save money for my loan-pay-offs and so that I can stop leaning on my parents so often. But I feel like I don’t even know where to begin.
Oh jeez, I have spotted two medium-sized spiders crawling all spastically towards me. Paralyzing fear!
But, it’s just all so overwhelming. There’s so much I want to fit into one day. I don’t know. Right now I will do what I can and because it’s right now, it’s all the matters. Right now I will deal with my sunburn, I will eat dinner with my friends at 5:30-ish, and I will work out later. Right now I will work on my project and I will be thankful for the clear sky and the time I’ve been spending under it. The one thing I won’t allow is for my anxieties and stresses to ruin what I could be doing. I want to love what I’m doing, so I’ll do what I love. I think that’s a good way to think about it.
I’ll be seeing you sometime at the en of June, AZ. I promise to write more until then.
xoxox.
Emily.
your writing here is beautiful.the anxiety and desire are so real,like the spiders,that come with the sun splashed grass, they are part of a whole.
ReplyDeleteif you don't take on a lot of $-tied responsibilities, like kids or big school loans, you can live pretty simply. you can work minimally at something you like or don't mind, while you pursue what you love.
maybe you should take a year off school so that you can establish some work, and a place to live. it's very hard, but if you are truly motivated, you don't need school in order to learn. the schools will still be there later, but then, so will the rest of your life. whatever you decide is not the end of things. it's just the magic of, "today".
I love you, Dad. I really like the way you put that: I can't have the beautiful day in the sun and grass without the spiders.
ReplyDeleteHope the magic of your today is wonderful.